Like I said: 若有心结，一定要解开，不然往后的快乐， 都会有一点的不快乐。

Sorry Jiahui, I am not you, I can't hide my feelings forever like they don't exist before.

Yes, I admit, I was really upset on 31 December 2011. The last day of 2011.
And not to be surprised, on my first day of 2012, my day was ruined by my overwhelming emotions.

If you guys think that I am way too 感情用事，think again, if you do realize, it is because of how important you guys are to me. That's why I am acting like an idiot.
And sometimes, I hate this kind of me.

Remember quite a time ago, I was unhappy about how Siman and Junyin went to watch JJ Lin concert?

They didn't speak about it before to us?
During our meeting, they didn't even bring this up. WHY?
I AM NOT THEIR FIRST CHOICE!!! I NEVER WERE!!!
I knew about this issue when they post a photo of the tickets (with the signature on), then I found out ya they are going to watch my fav singer concert, apparently without me. Very cool.
When I question about it, the first arrow I got was 'You will not pay for such an expensive seat.'
That was an excuse. In my translation it's 'You so stingy, definitely will not pay for the concert, so we don't even bother asking.'

If I am really that stingy, I can admit. I wouldn't never pay for a concert. That's true.
But the thing that got into my spine was, they didn't even ask, nor mention.
Why? Because they didn't want me to go. That's how I interpret the situation.

Imagine this, I won 4 free air tickets to Paris, I can choose anyone to go with me.
However, the other expenses we have to pay for ourselves. I didn't talk about this when we met up. I didn't even ask if you guys like Paris, wanna go overseas together.
And then the next thing you guys know is, I am on the airplane with my schoolmates, or someone else.
And when I get back, I just make up a perfunctory assumption just to shut your mouth.
Saying "You guys will definitely not go for such as expensive trip, so I DIDN'T ASK.'
Wow?

How will you feel about it?
Don't tell me you won't feel a little sad over it, don't fake your emotions just to let me get over it.
I won't buy it.

We argued about this JJ Lin thing b4, and I asked Jiahui, am I the only one feeling like this?
She says NO. Kinda. She says she knew about the relationship between us, just that she is not those kind of person who will speak it out. She just keep it in her heart.
And during then, I was very impressed and speechless.
Cause I couldn't PRETEND that I don't feel depressed AT ALL.

So what exactly happened on New Year?
Nothing. Seriously nothing major.

*Recalling*

The whole issue started out when I was scrolling through my Twitter, I saw Siman tweets that she was going to have her first countdown with her friends, and she was excited.
Oh, so I thought that she was like going out with her school friends, you know, she got lots of school friends, like a whole batch of them.
So I just casually replied, so sad it's not with the Sisters. :/
But apparently, I am not sad, instead,

I truly feel happy for her to be with a group of friends on that special day.
During then, I was still feeling okay. Looking forward to the New Year.

Later on, Junyin saw my reply, and she replied back saying that if I can ton overnight, I can definitely join in the fun.
Then I say LOL, the problem don't lies on me k. Trying to shoot the poor Jiahui who doesn't have a Twitter. Of course if we are going to have a stayover, it must be 4 of us together.
At that time, I was still in the joking mood.
Why keep assuming this and that about me when you all don't even bother asking? WTH sia.
Assuming I won't spend alot. Assuming I can't ton. Assuming I don't like clubbing. Assuming I would go with Jianwei instead. To me, your make up Assumptions are just Excuses.
You know, like 敷衍了事.

Junyin helped Siman 讲话, I just treated it as a normal reaction, cause she ALWAYS side Siman.
So I okok lor. Feel nothing. Cause it's always like this, like for 7 freaking years.
I used to can't get over it, but I just treat it as her normal naughtiness.

Ar then, near Midnight, I saw Siman and Junyin tweet (at the same time) that they are at the same location waiting for countdown.
I then realize, they two are together (with someone else), no wonder Junyin helped Siman speak out during the afternoon, cause 她有份参与我没份参与的事情。
Then I recall, logically, if Siman is really going out with her school mates, Junyin will confirm agree with me. Like jokingly say back Siman.
Say something like 'aiyo why go out with school friends never go out with Sisters. =('
Something like that.
Then I am finally able to perceive the situation the way it is..

Like wth la.
Sibei sad, my whole new year was ruined. I keep thinking thinking thinking.
My mind is just full of thoughts and question marks.
WHY WHY WHY??? WHY let me see the truths? Why let me suffer things that I shouldn't go through?
What I am to YOU?
Siman was not with her school mates, when I thought she was.
I finally understand why she didn't reply to my tweet when I say she is celebrating with friends but not with us. SHE CHOSE TO!

I was drop dead.

I feel like the things I cherish most, never cherish me back.

My feeling was disastrous, you guys will never understand. NEVER!

I fucking hate this kind of me. Why do I look like I am always the one ruining the friendship?
It hurts so badly, and it's sad you guys can't see it. Like as if you don't even give a damn.
I fucking hate the feeling. I hate to know the truths.

Please, don't give me promises, if you know you are going to break it.
And please, don't promise me happiness, if you know I gonna feel sad some day.
I can't handle the pain. I can't handle heartbreaks. Especially when I am alone.

I know Jiahui is gonna hate me.
She gonna thinks that I am ruining the peace.
She gonna thinks why am I so emotional and reckless.
Not giving a thought to everyone here.

I know you guys gonna see me a different way.

But have you ever spare a thought for me?
I love you guys so fucking much, so fucking much, but all I get I see, is the opposite of what I give.

Why let me see the truth?
I rather you guys lie lie lie to me forever.
Why tweet? WHY BOTHER TWEETING SOMETHING THAT IS GONNA HURT ME?

Why talk to me like you are trying to minimize the problem, when it is actually cutting me apart inside?

Junyin, during Secondary School. Remember the days the whole class turned over us?
Hiding our books, bags and pencil cases?
Guys tease and bully us. Girls sat back and just laugh or act ignorance?
Remember how we fake our smiles just to get over it?
Looking back, it kinda seemed fun. Yes, to a certain extend it was fun.
I remember how Mrs Chen always pick on me.
How guys always mock at us but treat the other girls a different way.

Ever since then, the last thing I can handle is Favoritism.
I treat everyone equally. But who treated me the same way?

You favor Siman, I am okay with it. Cause you are closer with her, you guys were in the same class for 4 years.
Initially, I couldn't take it, but slowly I learn to accept it.
I accepted it. Already.

But this time, it's not about favoritism.
It's about what I am to you all.
We are all in SASA. But we are not together.
2 are always together, 1 never think that there's a problem, 1 just gena forced to adapt with the situation and sad by herself.
WTH? So this are what sisters are about la.

The first night of 2012 was a torture. I can't sleep.
I finally went into a deep sleep at 5am +
It was a teary night. And no one knows.

The next day, I met Jianwei in school to do MP.
I was fine, really.
He wants a hug, a big hug I gave it to him.
But when I see how well he treats me.
I burst into tears.
I couldn't hold back my emotions.
I see the contrast of the treatment of two groups of people who I love.
I love Jianwei, I treat him like he's my baby.
He treats me the same way back.
I care for my sisters. Talk to them. Advice them this and that.
But occasionally, they force me to see the hard truth.
And I cried silently.
I really couldn't take it.
The contrast is way to big.

I asked Jianwei 'I love my family, my friends and you'
'But why izzit that only him is treating me back the way I do?'.
I couldn't understand.
It felt like there were thousands of needle in my heart, it was really unbearable.
Or izzit, I don't deserve to be well treated?
I don't deserve to be that someone special...
I am a bad girl. No one loves me.

I am only an option in their lives.
But they are my priorities in my Life
But they make me know that I am not in theirs.

I am a fool.
I am a friendship fool.

I always thought we are your only Best friends, cause it is to me.
It's not sad to know you have other best friends, but you put a knife to my heart when you let me know I am actually not your best friend.

Don't let me know there's a subgroup in our friendship.
I can't take that. I could cry to death.

I can always leave SASA, if the fact is I am not part of it.

P.S. I am not writing this post on impluse. I did gave a deep thought of it.
And I had once promised myself, I must not hide my true feelings if it does hurt badly.